Oct 23, 2009 update by Kristina-334
<- Photo taken on	Sep 22, 2009
Journey start date	Sep 22, 2009	Currently at -0.16% of goal
Gained since start	0.2 lbs	Now has 125.6 lbs left to goal
Since last update	Gained 6.6 lbs
Weight at this update	275.6 lbs
3 of 3
		My Picture Progress

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement.  i need to keep hearing it.  It's weird I have been doing this for a long time but this week I have felt like a total baby.  Below is an excerpt from an email that I sent out recently.  It sums up what's been going on perfectly.

I'm so incredibly frustrated.  The first part is that I'm bored with my diet.  I've been saying this for weeks that is no surprise.  What did come as a surprise is that I'm tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of people telling me how good I look and how different.  I'm tired of being asked how much weight I've lost and what diet I am doing.  I'm just so sick of hearing about it.  I just want to yell at everyone that I'm not done yet.  Tell them to not draw attention to it until I'm ready to deal with it.  I've got so much on my plate to focus on; I don't want to have to put on a gracious, happy face too.  I don't want to keep saying thank you and acting all proud and happy.  I'm not proud and having to keep pretending like I am is making me unhappy.

This week I jumped off the wagon with both feet and ran in the other direction.  (as apposed to "falling off the wagon")  I went out to eat every night of the week and I didn't make good choices when I was out.  It was like I looked at those menus, picked something "good" to eat and then found the polar opposite and ordered that.  I feel absolutely sick right now but it's not tummy-sick.  it's heart-sick.  It's weird I actually feel like if I could just go hide somewhere for two weeks and do nothing but drink my shakes, I would be ok again.  I have broken the habit so completely that I need to do something drastic to get it back.

	Posted by fellow HealthSteward John-331 from California on Oct 23, 2009 First Kristina, thank you very much for being so open and honest. This is abolutely the place for it. I feel like I know where you're coming from. The shake routine, no matter how you try to jazz it up, will never be culinary excitement. And in terms of the frequent commentary from those around you, I know. I hear people gush and I think "but I'm still fat, I don't look great". I'm pretty sure that everyone's intentions are honorable, but I'm not sure if outsiders realize that this is an intense personal experience played out in the public. We don't necessarily see in the mirror what those around us see. I spent a long time denying that image of the obese guy in the mirror was me, and I'm having trouble seeing my improvement in the mirror now, in spite of my great success. Diving off the wagon is not the end of the world, but not finding your way back to it could be. You might have to resign yourself to some certainties. A meal replacement (shake) diet isn't forever. It is a great way to get a lot of momentum in a short amount of time. It also gives you sime time away from the foods we think we can't live without. That way we can develop a more casual relationship with them later if we choose to do so. Then there's that whole zen balance of the universe thing. Every up has it's down, an out for each in, and a period of deprivation for gluttony. I think, first and foremost, we're getting healthy for ourselves. We need to focus on that. We can't let other people's commentary or opinions distract us into thinking that we're trying to impress someone else. Make your victory as personal as your disappointment is now. Drink in that heartsick feeling and know that you don't want to feel that way again. Then step back into your program with the knowledge that you're just another imperfect person in an imperfect world doing their best to be better. Which puts you ahead of many. I hope you find this encouraging, it's intended to be. I want you to succeed because you are us. We are each other's hope. That's why were here.
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Theresa-333 from California on Oct 23, 2009 Yes, Kristina, thanks for such openness. I don't think I could say anything better and more wise and insightful than John already did. We are here for you, for all of us. We definitely need each other. And you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Tim-215 from Ohio on Oct 23, 2009 Such insightful people above.  Kristina, it will take some time yet to lose the weight, and that will give you plenty of time to figure out how to be a person of a healthy weight.  Right now it's more than a little unsettling to be getting physical-appearance compliments, maybe for the first time -- make sure you don't throw up a defense that includes a regain.  There are two directions from here, forward and backward.  Backward, you didn't like that but it has the advantage of being familiar territory.  God will love you just as much if you return to the old way. And sometimes we like the tragic but known better than the wonderful but unknown.  But I have a feeling you'll decide the only way for you is forward, into the strange and uncomfortable unknown, because that's where health is.
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Tim-215 from Ohio on Oct 23, 2009 I should read better, let me type what I meant to type: Right now it's more than a little unsettling to be getting a lot of physical-appearance compliments, maybe for the first time in a long time. Sorry.
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Shirley-261 from Tennessee on Oct 23, 2009 Great posts to you Kristina.  I dont' have a lot more to offer, but read everybody's again... and then choose to move toward a better future.  The fact that you posted tells me that you are already in the process of doing that!
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Jane-112 from Australia on Oct 23, 2009 And each of these frustrations is building the future for you; if we lose it overnight, we will gain it back.  This is a re-educating of our whole being - physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually.  Remember Kristina - it took many years to get to the weight you were when you started this journey, so why would it come off and stay off in a few months?  It took me close to 4 years to reach maintenance and lose 220+ pounds and whilst it probably could have been done in a quarter of that time, this journey was far more about preparing myself to live the rest of my life; if anyone had said at the time that it would become a spiritual journey, I would have laughed int heir faces - it IS, and it is a life journey.  This hiatus is frustrating but try to keep focussed and it will pass..............perhaps going back to writing everything down/doing measurement (good opotion for when the scales dont tell us what we want but you can SEE the changes) and all output too. Dont knock how far you have come, we are too hard on ourselves and just focus on where we wanna be (goal) and become impatient.  HS is a great place for that support we need when working through it.  Stay focussed. J
	Posted by fellow HealthSteward Kathy-227 from Arkansas on Oct 23, 2009 Sorry you had a bad week, but you can make a U-turn and later you will see it as a bump in the road, not a disaster, after all. Let it go and get back on the wagon!